just some thoughts, in english and in french. (with lots of typos, barely any punctuation and grammar errors)
je n'entends que des disques rayés encore et toujours la même chanson et si j'ouvrais ma bouche? en sortiras-t il quelque chose de nouveau où serais je moi aussi un disque rayé? peut être est il mieux de l'être que d'être un disque qui ne joue pas.
im beggin u to stop existing, please, so i can exist. seems like only one of us can, in my reality, and i'd rather it'd be me. even though ur existence is far more meaningful than mine. suxs lol. ive tried really hard to be only for me but in the process i completely disappeared, couldnt hold onto my self, as it wasn't there, never was. i guess im still percieved as egoistic and selfcentered, which i wish to be, but i literally, only exist for others, in their reality. cause in mine, there is only you, and in yours im barely there. fun.
I want to thank everyone that I have engaged with today, and I did. All the conversations I had, the thoughts I read and heard, they fed me and I for once feel satiated. I'm so inspired, I'm sharing it so I can have a record of that. Cause today I got a vision, not a clear one, but one that I'm willing to commit to. And I will.
All is making sense, things are falling into places, I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed. But I know I can manage it.
I'm a bit hungry though, go make brownies.
Paranoïa
I'm paranoïd even in my dreams. It's either the paranoïa or me being an impostor, yes we stan. At least, I do. People really be pouring themselves into me, is that because i could be an empath or because I'm just not taking enough place in me. I don't know how much i can hold. Sometimes it seems like I am bottomless, until I throw up. I'd say every two years, that is how long I can be others, i guess. Can't wait for the cycle to end, so noone but me will be pouring themselves into me.
I'm not just myself, when I could be anyone.
I collect personalities, I collect points of view, I collect experiences and stories. They are now mine. They are now me.
Sometimes I forget my own humanity. But then, the world pulls me back in. Living people allowing me to reflect my ego in them, I can't escape the connection anymore. And it is then, that I need to embrace my brothers and sisters, and feel, and act.
Sometimes I forget my own humanity.
19/05/2020
It is Chaos, And I am consistenly being swayed. There is nothing to hold onto, Not even my self.
I used to thrive in change, But I, now, wish to find something I am certain of.
I now understand, Why people seek stability, Why they don't want to move, Why they don't want to doubt.
It is lonely to be fluid. It is lonely not to expect, People to be consistent, People to be there, as they were.
I am so alone. I am not even sure, If I'll be there for me.
Still, I am trapped. The World changes, Faster than I do. I keep getting swayed, And Time is my master.
08/04/2020
Getting drowned in despair, Getting stretched by the Outside.
Letting myself drown, Letting myself get stretched.
Until there is nothing left In, Everything is Out.
Once drowned, I won't have to swim. Maybe I'll be able to fly? Or maybe I'll be stuck. Stuck on the bottom, Where there is no light.
Where there is no light. Everywhere, Only darkness. I can't see. I can't feel. Peace.
26/03/2020
Control. Over my body, I need Control. Over my feelings, Over my thoughts, Control. But I am a Fluid, Unstrained. My body moves. My thoughts race. Nd my feelings Dance. Freedom. They are freer than i am My body, My thoughts, My feelings. Control over them is a treason. Surrender. Surrender. And Be free.